My fiancé and I don’t live in the same country as his parents do.
We were talking about hypothetical situations today, and I said, if in the future, there is a need for either his or my parents to move closer to us, let’s say they are old, or sick, or for us to move back to our home country where his parents live. I would prefer that we live in a house near his/my parents. I do not want to live under the same roof with either of our parents.
We are south Asian. It’s considered normal for parents to live with the children, but I do not want to continue this pattern. I know his parents, and I know mine, they can be very controlling, and very South Asian, living with older family members of the south Asian community is not easy. I said to him, I’m okay with taking care of them, and we can do our personal best, and help them out how ever we can. But I just don’t want to live with them under the same roof. South Asian families are big, nosy, and there is no concept of personal space honesty
At first he didn’t give me a definite answer. He said, I had never lived in a joint family (where multiple generations of family live together) like he had. Then how can I judge that it’s going to be bad? He said I shouldn’t be stiff, and I don’t know what situations arise in the future. I got pissed and pressed him what he meant. Did he expect me to live with them, should the need arise?
Because this is the only thing, I said to him in the beginning of our relationship, that I will not live with his parents. I will not live in a joint family. Why is he suddenly saying I should bend? I got angry, and he then said to me. If the situation arises, I will keep my parents under the same roof as me, if we move back home, he will want that we live with his family (parents, his brother and his family). That even if it’s my parents, he will do the same, and keep them with us, not separate.
Now this has pissed me off. Why is he telling me this now?
Years ago, when I met him, 8 years ago, to be exact, I told him, that I have had some very bad experiences living in my community. I have repeatedly, over the course of our relationship said, that there is only one thing I don’t want, and that is to live in a joint family. I want my own home, separate from our families.
I am so angry now.
I love this man, and there is not a thing wrong with him.
I feel angry that he expects me to just compromise like this. (Hypothetically ofcourse)
I don’t know what to do now? Am I supposed to just go forward, fingers crossed that his parents will never want to leave his home country? Or that we Will never have to move back home to our country? I know there is a possibility and that possibility scares me.
I feel like if the situation arises when I have to live with his family, I will start to loose myself. This was not the life I wanted to subscribe to.